General Chat

Mary family holidays are nice but they only last a week or two. Your kids have love every week. That is more important. Kids now days are spoilt with expensive holiday's and gadgets but they don't grow up to be any better off for all of that.

Deanna "listening" to you and Mary certainly give one a lot to think about. I look back now to when my kids were young, and wish I had done some things differently. I was too imature when I had them. I feel I'm just starting to grasp all maner of things different. Had my mother been different I would perhaps have know how to show love years ago. Going off into deep thought now............

Deanna, you are so right, we think we can create one of those blended families which one saw on TV in the 60's where everything ran smoothly and all probs were solved with reasonable conversation. It must be a rare situation where that actually happens. Until you're actually together in one house, you don't realise the impact that your own upbringing, your own standards, your own sense of decency may be compromised by someone who didn't have an upbringing anything similar to yours. being a professional caregiver I suppose I thought I could fix the things I did see. I'd caution anyone entering a second relationship, especially where children are involved, to take it very slowly ( and include the children in the decision-making process). In retrospect I basically presented my kids with a 'fait accompli' - we're moving, not just to another house, but to another town, in a different type of environment (country as opposed to city), and what's more we'll have 3 new roommates, and you'll be going to a new school. Like it or lump it. Not fair to the kids, I know my grandchildren also have some of these thoughts, especially the oldest, who wants her family back (despite being angry with her Dad and his new live-in).
OK another disagreement between intellectual and emotional self. if one is surprised by an inheritance (not huge but helpful), should one do the right thing and pay debt down, OR give oneself a trip over the pond, OR take the family on a holiday, because, though the oldest is now 12 y/o, they have never,ever, been on a family holiday. All their friends have been to cottages, on road trips, been out west to see the Rockies, been east to Ann of Green Gables cottage, to Florida, to Walt Disney world etc. These precious ones have never been out of Ontario, never seen the sea. The years rush by so quickly, I fear the time when a family holiday could be taken is rapidly running out. Well I think I've convinced myself. In my brief moment of enlightenment, I've asked for 3 weeks vacation in June (in case I can fly over the pond), and another 3 weeks in July ( in case we can go down to the sea). haven't discussed debt issues with myself, it will still be there tomorrow LOL. Like dusting, what's the point, it'll only be there again tomorrow.
going out again, this time to pick up kids from school, hopefully we can be home for the evening.
Hugs all round,
Mary

I was fine Ann thanks.
Everything went well and quickly so I had the time and opportunity to go to *the little girls room* TWICE!
Was even able to drop into a shop on the way home .... exciting???
well it is to me I have not been getting out much.

I am so grateful to you Mary for tell us that heartbreaking story
My children grew up with their own bitterness es and I feel so responsible for that.
My second husband ..Allan... is a good kind man and gave my children everything he had, but my children still suffered.
He was not their father so they resented that.
The eldest who got more from him than any of the other three including his own child ,grew up so bitter and twisted over the situation which poor Allan had nothing to do with.
I could go on and on but at the end of the story the facts would stay the same.
THEY WERE HURT.
They had to blame someone so they picked on the one person whom they saw as the intruder.
Poor Man. He gave more that their own father did.... and still he managed to take the blame for every hurt they suffered.
What hurts me most is how much they took from him knowing how they felt.
They were all three accept as 'children of the family' and they were treated so well. I thought that we were a lovely family who had all lifted ourselves up and rebuilt our family.
I have to still love them, they are my children, but they should think shame of themselves.
I understand them but I don't forgive them and I certainly don't like them for what they have done.
BUT I do understand them.
The saddest thing of all is the loving relationship they seem to have with their father now!!
Aren't we humans weird people... bless us all.
Deanna XXX

Rach I am sure the new thread will help support those who suffer through the issue of infertility, what a supportive / unselfish thing to do. Speaks well for this thread, that one is able to absorb strength and pass it on to others.
Liz shall I send you some sunshine, the sun's out this morning again, still wicked cold. I'm staying indoors, the kids have 'pizza day' lunch at school today, and this crew can't eat it, so I'm elected to make gluten-free pizza for them, was too tired after work last night, so I'll drop it off before noon.

Gillie nice to see you back, do hope the physio will bring you some relief from the daily pain cycle.
sending love and hugs to all, thanks for your support.
Mary

Hi everyone just to let you know I have started another infertility support thread. I know that I don't always add on here but I do read and the love and support is amazing so I feel I can give this to people who are struggling with infertility
Love and hugs to all
Rachxxxx

I think I am going doolally! I was sure I had responded to this thread last night and said something about our Joyce P. looking in even if not posting but can't see the post anywhere lol, maybe I put it in a pm instead but who to? Must sort my head out.

I will reply further later on, but have to get out while there is still blue sky and a little brightness, will be getting vit d deficiency soon!

take care all

love and hugs
Lizxxx

Hello everyone, it’s been a long time since I last made an appearance here.

Caz I am so glad you have your flat, please don’t forget to let me know your new address! Joyce I hope you are doing ok? And how are you Gail? Deanna I am glad to see you posting again.

I have been off to physio this morning, it was for my knee that was very painful 4 months ago, the appointment has only just come through! Waste of time really as my knee feels a lot better than it did.
My elbow is still playing up, I think I told you all that I fell and chipped the funny bone, well it doesn’t seem to want to stop hurting, it’s been since before Christmas, I’m up and down to the doctors all the time, she must think I’m a ruddy nuisance.
My fibro is playing up at times, especially when it’s wet and damp like today.
I have had my pre op assessment for my bunion op, that’s due to be operated on in the next few weeks, so I shall let you all know when that is.

Loads of healing thoughts to you all, I hope you’ll all feel better once the glorious summer is here.

Gillie XXXX

Thank you Joyce, and hope you are OK and your family members that were/are poorly.

Ann
Glos

just thought i would like to add this
When were feeling down and so alone,We come on this thread and were not alone the people on here are all good friends and listern to others when they have problems of there own,But thats what this thread is all about nobody worrys if you want to shout,Were for one another and the reason why,Because good friends that dont just past by
so take care everyone and hope you all have better days
Love Dutchxx

Mary, bless you!! and ((((Hugs)))). I can't say strongly enough that I think you are a wonderful person, you are the rock in your family, so caring with your special children, you care so much about your friends, and you love your special charges at work. As you say, you have roots in yourself, your family, you are you. accept that and you will be content.

Ann xxx

Thank you all for your thoughts.
I seem to have a constant battle between intellectual and emotional self. Although I know where I came from, and am endeavouring to learn more, I just feel rootless, as if I don't belong anywhere, or am undecided as to where I do belong. Intellectual self says stop rambling Mary and accept where you are, stop yer fussin'. Take a deep breath and step forward. But emotional self says what if? why? how? you know the list goes on. Although the Citalopram has made a huge difference, it still allows the range of emotions which 'average' people experience. I've had years of medication of various types, short-term counselling from psychiatrist and psychologists, the 'downs' don't go away, they are just less intense.
Deanna you are so right, we learn to cope despite . . . . what my children went through with their step-father should never have happened, had I had the strength to stay a single Mum, but that was then, I just felt overwhelmed and saw a way out - thought it would be good for my kids to have a strong male in the house, to help me financially and emotionally. I was so wrong, he wasn't strong, he was also a product of a very dysfunctional childhood, years in the foster system, who chose a life of addiction, abuse and despair over a family. I have apologised to the 3 of them so many times, I know my son is still haunted by emotional abuse, my daughter is still haunted for other reasons. And the guilt of my having exposed them to such a person overwhelms me too. His 2 daughters also bear the scars, one wants nothing to do with him, the other has a need to hang onto him regardless, but hates me and my kids as apparently we are to blame for his inappropriate behaviours. She's one very angry girl, who cannot settle into a relationship, very materialistic, appears to be replacing affection with things.
One thing which I was told by one of the 'experts' was that these are the things which have made you the person you are, you have strengths developed because of past experiences, but they are in the past, they've shaped you but you can choose where you go from here. How does one become content?
Perhaps hypnosis might help, that's one method I haven't tried.

I'm off now to try and achieve a bit today, I'm working again this evening, 5 days in a row is really too much for me but we are so short-staffed because of the flu outbreak, that I'm helping out. I must say, when I am working with my elderly confused patients, there is a feeling of calm, of appropriateness, of joy. I love working on the Alzheimers unit, they make me smile by the comments and actions, not laughing at them, just appreciating their humour. I got the giggles during the supper meal last evening, I'm sure a full moon is coming, about 8 of them suddenly got up from the tables and started walking out of the room, as if in a parade, none of them had any idea where they were going, nor why. But it was like a grand exodus, bless them. One kept telling me to "watch out for the dirty bug..rs", another wanted 'fish and chips in paper', another got into the disposable sanitary products and was using 2 pads as slippers, it was quite an evening. In the building (over 200 people) have done remarkably well, nasty symptoms while they are happening, and on my floor especially, limited or no understanding of quarantine methods.

It's a beautiful sunny day, but still extremely cold. Can hear the birds outside; indoors,my African violet leaves have all rooted so in a few weeks I should have some babies to pot up. I'm wonderfully distracted by working with the violets, and have been for years. All 25 leaves are registered varieties, I am thrilled to have one Russian one, one from New Zealand, and two from South Africa.

Perhaps I should stop worrying about being rootless, decide I am a citizen of the world, I belong wherever I am standing. I am very conscious of the brotherhood of man (and sisterhood of woman), have several international friends, am doing something to help the cause of correcting fistulae in women who have been brutally raped in the Congo by rebels soldiers or from childbirth when their bodies were too young to be considered an adult. I have a friend from Sierra Leone who was raped at the age of 9, still has nightmares, saw her husband killed by rebels,in front of her children, in their own home. I have a need to help in some small way, out of respect for her and I suppose in gratitude that my so-called rootless,unsettled life, really has been a walk in the park in comparison.

Sorry to go on so long, I feel safe here thanks to you all for making us feel that way.
YCaz wonderful to hear you sounding so upbeat about your new place.
Deanna hope your visit to hosp goes/went OK, you have done so well.
Carole, I hear your sadness in lack of motherly love, may I send you a ((hug)) . . . .
Gail, can I visit, your weather sounds so much better than ours . . .

TTFN
Mary

Oh Mary, it wasn't a rap on the knuckles, our worries and concerns are ours alone, they may seem less to others but each is important to the person who has them.

Deanna, I am sure the more you worry about your weak bladder problem the more problem you have. Hope allw ent well at the hospital and they think you are doing as well as we think you are!

YCaz, what are fire carpets and why can't you take them up? I am sure you are looking forward to moving more than ever now you have been cleaning the flat. thank you for long awaited news of Joyce.

JOYCE! Please come back to us and let us try and lift you out of your black hole. You will feel better if you come back among your friends and we do so miss you.

Carole Difficult person your Mother, and she probably would not understand at all why you are upset. has your Dad always spoiled her?

I had a very ordinary childhood really, not over the top happy but not miserable. A very strict Mum with Victorian principles, no sense of humour very religious, never ever swore or drank. a fairly indulgent Dad who was extremely over protective to both his girls. he did have a great sense of humour though. Not a lot of money but we didn't want for material things or for food. Not a lot of demonstrative love/cuddles etc. I know we were loved but it is hard when you are not taught to show affection. I am much more demonstrative now and, strangely being on these boards with their supportive and 'huggy' mentality has taught me a lot about showing my feelings to others outside my immediate family.

Ann
Glos

Ann
Glos

I am just waiting to go to the hospital for an appointment with the consultant.
I worry all the time about my weak bladder problem and going out is a nightmare and I don't go out unless I cannot avoid it.
I just had a look at the threads while I was sitting here and saw a thread about LYNN.
God bless you Lynn, I feel ashamed now love.
See you all when I come back.
Deanna XXX

Good morning everyone.
Ann I have always said the same... it annoys me when people (especially on TV) talk about the resilience of children.
What happens is that they SEEM to accept the changes, but they ALWAYS remember and hurt over them.
I have memories from the age of 5 which still haunt me.. and I had a happy childhood in the main.
I could bore you all rigid telling you the things which can still make me cry.
I think the idea comes from the fact that children really have no power and must accept all.
The sad thing is that I am sure that my own children must also have things which still hurt them.... day to day things which to me perhaps meant nothing but to them may have been heartbreaking at the time.
Best go and get myself cleaned and dressed... yet another hospital appointment.... arghhhhhhhh

Be back later. Have a lovely day everyone and stay as relaxed and as happy as possible.
Lots of love to all,
Deanna XXX

Rose, Joyce and Treehunter and every other person on this thread, we are here for all of you. So pleased to hear form Joyce P.

Caz, I also am not used to traffic, only the sound of wildlife. Also not used to a lot of people, or cement. When visiting large cities I always find myself in sensory overload. After being there for a few days it all appears to be so normal. At least you can always shut the windows and block the noise out. I love my windows open when the weather is fine though.

It is now autumn here and the weather has turned a bit chilly, we usually have at least another 4 - 6 weeks of warm weather so hope this is not the start of the cold weather. Do not look forward to it much as the pain really kicks in.

Have been a bit sad reading about Mary's move, I also had to move my lot a couple of times, kicking and screaming at one time. Thought I was doing the right thing for everyone, I realise now what the real impact on them was. We moved around loads when I was younger and I do not remember it being difficult. I think we got so used to moving it was just the way it was. At times it was a hastle with schools, I remember being held back a class when we moved for the last time, so I suppose it did have an effect there. Dad had to go where the work was so not much choice.


~~~~~~ to all and love and hugs

Gail

Sorry to read all the sadness on here. But also some very comforting words in reply.

Ann yes it is the daughter I sent you the photo of. I have one daughter and a son . H is 26, and R is 24 this July. H and her ex had (oh that seems strange) been together since she was 18 and he was 23. They both went through uni and after H graduated they went to Japan to teach English there. They had 10 months there and moved on to Australia as their jobs were having trouble and did go under. In Aus they spent two months in Perth then moved to Sydney when H seemed to have had enough, and wanted to return home. They have been home a year now. Although not living in the same city as us H did come home when ever she could and would sit close to me all the time. We have become very good friends. Her ex would go to his parents if back here. Just last week his mum came to our house, with a birthday bag for H, and we were saying after so long wasn't there any sign of an engagement!!

Mary I think as a child you are being moulded. I don't remember my childhood fondly. I don't have a lot of special memories. I was scarred of my dad he was always the threat mum used to make us behave! Not that my sister and I were that naughty. Mum was very house proud and along with her garden it had to appear lovely. She wants others to say to her how nice everything looks. Even now if I stand near a window my hands go behind me as I hear her shouting "don't touch my widows". If I was late home I remember getting a slap at the top of my leg.
Dad kept a leather belt on top of the wardrobe, he never used it, but the threat was there. As soon as I was tall enough to reach it I moved it.

Monday oh and I went to my parents and spent two hours listening to her tell us about dads leg, her back, got to see the doctor for blood test, got to take him to hospital and the In's and out of that for her, if he needs the loo. Nurse come and said she could get blood done at home, letter comes to tell her to ring surgery to make an appointment. She said, have you brought the necklace to show me she said ( I got it with money from them for my birthday) no I said, I had other things on my mind before I come out. Didn't ask me what, or if I had a problem. Oh said later have you shown your mum the ring I got you for your birthday. No I said, and didn't move to show her and she didn't ask me to show it to her. Never asked if I had a nice day, or what I did. Was on holiday from work last week ( as well as this week) she never asked what we had done. Were we doing anything this week. Just me me me. I was really peed of when we left. She said was I not feeling well ( I had by now just clammed up and wanted to go home) I said I didn't feel good. Never asked what was up. As we left I thought I'd better tell her H and D had split up, rather than her hear it from someone else. She said it'll work out ( I know that) and came to hug me, but I just felt cold towards her.

Oh phoned her last week then said to her do you want to have a word with the boss? He passed me the phone and I said we were shampooing the carpet. Oh I'd like mine doing she said. Now I know her, and know that was a hint for me to say we'll come and do it. But I said we'll have to rent the machine out again later for you. Didn't ask if my carpets looked any better. I told her our new furniture was coming Saturday. She said "oh I didn't think you had any money". Nothing nice to say that woman. I wish I didn't have to go see them. My dad was the working man not fatherly at all. He was the provider. Never sat us (I have a sister) on his knee, never read a book to us. Didn't come into our room to tuck us in (only to get the belt down). Didn't take us out just him and me, only to his mum's who never made anything of me or my sister. He always had to remind her it was our birthday. I know mum and dad love me and my sister but they are so cold. It's an empty love. Now thats how I feel towards them. It hurts a lot.
Going to have to assessment with dynamic psychotherapy in April. Can see me in floods !!

Sorry for the rant


Love to you all, and hope your problems soon feel smaller. xxx

I am a very happy bunny this morning, I was at the flat yesterday so didn't look at pooter till teatime for a bit of relaxation. Looking at my emails I had one from my big sis Joyce P. Needless to say I ended up in tears hearing from her after so long, and knowing she was all right. She has been in a very black hole and I so wish I could have helped her, but thought I was by respecting her wishes.
I had to let you know, she is still looking in, not a lot but knew I had my flat, bless her.
Joyce if you're reading this please come back to us so we can cheer you up a bit, we are all here for you, you know that.

Spent all morning looking for paint and came home with nothing, then we spent afternoon with my sister cleaning flat, sister did the kitchen while I did bathroom, hubby vacuumed the fire carpets as we are not allowed to take them up, and ran around doing odd bits, he was tired out by the end of the day. We had the windows open and it was strange to hear the traffic on the main road, all we hear are birds, cows and horses, I will miss them though.

Love and hugs to all
Caz xx

Goodnight sleep tight
Rachxxxxxx

Dear AnnG, I hear you. Absolutely they thought they were doing what was best for us, that I totally understand and confirm. Nobody had more loving parents.
Yes of course there are good times, laughs, joys mixed with the opposite. I just have these lows . . . and when down, I focus on home. Some of the reasons for remaining here after my teens, are of my own doing, poor judgement, imperfect decisions, which have also had a profound impact, not only on myself. There's no guarantee that, at home, I would have sailed through unscathed!!
My family mean the world to me and had I returned I wouldn't have them.

I am very in tune with the Home issue, my exmil was the daughter of 2 of those children. We were able toget info from Barnardos for her and she finally understood why her own mother didn't know how to nurture. I have a good friend whose gfa was also a Barnardos child, sad life once they came here, treated like a slave on a farm. My ex mil's mother lost touch with 3 brothers who remained in the UK, rarely in touch with her sister who came here at the age of 6. Yes you're right, my probs pale in comparison.
rap on the knuckles completed.
I'm off to eat a choc eclair, good for the mental health. . . .
Mary

Treehunter, please have a ((((hug)))) yourself it sound as if you need it. I am sorry to hear about your nephew I hope the op solves whatever the problem is.

Mary, How wrong we are when we think that children are resillient. I would quite honestly, until you wrote all that, have said that a 7 year old would adapt to a new way of life and settle in a new country. You have proved that I would be wrong to think so. how sad for you and also for your parents, doing what they thought was the best thing for all of you but your health proving them wrong. reading between the lines though I don't think it has all been bad has it?

I wonder about my ancestors. Three of them, all if i remember rightly under 12, were sent to Canada as part of the Children's homes movement. one of them a girl was about 6. Her mother a widow married again and the new husband didn't want the children. If you felt bad being with your family, how much worse must it have been for those children? how cruel that was.

On a similar subject, after OH came out of the Navy we had to move away from my home town so he could get a job. Our eldest was 7, youngest 16 months. He settled well, she the seven year old seemed to adapt OK. Then when she was 11 and he was 6 we moved again with his job. He was OK in primary school but, at the comprehensive he was bullied for being an incomer. She appeared to adapt and got through school OK doing very well. But has since said they both hated moving and leaving their friends. we thought we were doing the best we could for them. so i sympathise with you but understand where your parents were coming from.

(((hugs)))
Ann
Glos